Thursday, January 03, 2008

Iowa Caucus is Live on CSPAN and I am Liveblogging Here

If you aren't watching the CSPAN coverage of the Iowa caucus, you are really missing some entertainment. Shouting, voting by a show of hands, voting by hollering, fiddling with microphones, whispering, milling about, shouting, "HILLARY OVER HERE!", grumbling "We're moving!" and more hilarity. TURN IT ON! I will be adding to this post as the evening goes on. There's a channel for democrats and a channel for republicans.

8:19 A Richardson lady in a purple sweater is trying to woo away one of the Dodd people. She says, "I should have brought treats!"

8:21 Now the purple sweater is saying, "Your issue is capital punishment? Mine too. Mine too."

8:23 An Obama supporter is telling a redhead that Obama has as much experience as Abraham Lincoln had when he was elected. What he has is intelligence and the ability to build consensus. He doesn't pander. He always takes questions. The redhead is nodding and saying, "Okay." Reportedly, there is a great group of people in the Obama corner.

8:25 The Biden preference group is looking owly. He is not going to be viable. Someone supports a resolution that everyone gets to stay with their first choice. He wants to do away with the viability. He looks kind of like Steve Martin. I'm going to check with the republicans now.

8:28 The republicans in Carroll Iowa are milling around in the hallway.

8:29 A democrat is standing on a chair repeating the number 45. Cameras are pointing every which way. The new precinct chairperson reads a partial statement on affirmative action. Someone says, "45." Bill Richardson runs to the bathroom. The Biden people are holding their coats and growling at each other. They're down from 26 to 10.

8:31 A reasonable man with glasses explains about the benefits of resorting yourself to your second choice before or after the first vote. The Richardson folks are talking fast to everyone who's not in a viable group -- apparently they are close to viability and just need to hornswaggle a few more votes. (Hornswaggle is Iowan for persuade).

I wonder if some of these people knew they were going to be on CSPAN. Like, did they choose their clothes for it? Or?

That purple lady is still working hard for Bill R. Her argument now is that America doesn't elect Senators, so Edwards and Obama and Clinton are out. She kind of looks like Bill Richardson.

I am shallow.

8:36 Dodd, Kucinich, Biden, and Richardson people are told to realign. They need 57 per group to be a viable group. They are given 15 more minutes.

Benny and Sadie are in the tub. They have astronauts and Barbies and little action figures from The Nightmare Before Christmas. They're having a wonderful time.

8:38 The Richardson people now have 47! VIVA LA REVOLUTION! They are neglecting to count the evangelists that are out among the room, bringing in more victims.

8:39 Steve Martin asks us to consider the face we will present to the world, after our debacle in Iraq. To him, it is Barack. A blonde lady says, "But Edwards hasn't taken any public funding!" Steve Martin asks what Edwards' position is on public health. The campaign has never got back to him on that. Someone reasonable suggests that what's left of the Dodds and what's left of the Bidens go over and join the Richardsons. That makes sense. Do it, reasonable man. We are counting on you.

Benny just launched a rocket into the Barbie pool and caused all kinds of anguish. I am liveblogging from my bedroom.
8:45 Someone get audio on that guy in the bow tie!!! I need to know what he's saying!!!
Voting by a show of hands, counting people by raised hands, counting people by standing on a chair, voting by saying "aye!" -- all of these are very inexact sciences. But awesome. I mean, this is crazy. Now they are going to try sending everyone into the hall and count the on the way back in.
8:45 Edwards has over 100. He needs 56 to be viable in this precinct.
8:49 Applause. Richardson must have squatted, strained, and birthed a few voters in the corner.
But what are the republicans doing??? Someone in a sweater vest is saying that the surge worked. He sounds nervous and angry. It is better in the democrat room at the moment, but I am looking forward to Ron Paul-related antics. Oh, how I wish I lived in Iowa! Just for tonight.
8:51 All of the preference groups are trying to count themselves. None of them can figure out a really good way. A boom mike is hovering eagerly over the Obama group. There are a lot of wild Iowans supporting Obama tonight. So far, I am not kidding, NO ONE has showed the Hillary camp. I don't even know if she's viable in this precinct.
8:57 At a folding table, democrats are doing math.
186 Obama
116 Edwards
74 Clinton
That's it.
8:58 In the Republican room, there's a Mitt Romney sign hanging over a sign that says, "No smoking. No food. No drink." A white-haired man is walking around waving a yellow envelope. Wait, there's another one. There's a lot of joviality. Are they done? Someone has given the white-haired man another envelope to wave. Everyone is being sent back out into the hallway, or they are being drawn there by their instinct. Are they leaving? Did Ron Paul win? They're outside. They're walking through the snow. A lady in dangly earrings is pillaging a Fred08 sign. The caucus is over. The envelopes have left the building.
9:02 There are official vote-counter pens! I totally like want one! I have Iowenvy bad. Okay, so, it was just the voters who left, and now the envelopes have been delivered into a special room where they will now be counted according to a special republican system. Woo! Wee! Little pieces of white paper are flying around like swarms of moths! Iowans are hunching over them, making tongue-munching sounds.
9:04 It looks like the republicans voted by writing down the name of their candidates on little pieces of white paper that might have been provided by a drug company. They look like those promotional paper pads that you get if you go to a trade show or if you work as a dentist or something.
9:05 Papers are falling off the table, okay?
9:06 They're separating them into ones, twos, threes, and fours. Is that code for Ron Paul? Doesn't it seem weird that someone with a RUDY sticker on her shirt is counting votes? They write the totals on notebook paper! This is so weird!!! Forget technology -- these people don't even utilize electricity. I love CSPAN. People who wear sweaters without t-shirts underneath are in charge of this election, and they're counting on their fingers.
I am shallow! I reported that already!
I have to get the children out of the tub and put them to bed. The networks are reporting that Huckabee will win the republican caucus, and they have Obama, Edwards, and Clinton in a statistical dead heat on the democrat side. I love elections.


  1. I totally love you. I can't get cable because we are in the middle of no-where, so I'm missing the caucus.

    This is going to be an interesting election.

  2. Wow. almost makes me sorry I missed it. Almost. Had a date with DH and Jason Bourne, and it was awesome. *S*

  3. Anonymous2:55 PM

    This is extremely funny.

  4. I can't believe I missed it last night. Perhaps it was a good thing because I doubt the watching could have been as amusing as reading your blog of it. You have a great way with words. BTW, I am suitably chastised and have put up a few posts. Have a look at our bubbles. Aren't they neat?

  5. I'm glad someone followed the Caucus. I was actually yelling at CNN "Less Iowa, More Britney!!" (at work.)

  6. It really was a very amusing mess. You covered it wonderfully!