Saturday, January 17, 2009

95 Reasons I Love T-Bone

T-Bone is not in any way my friend. He is actually my enemy. I have on many occasions enthusiastically suggested that he be firmly hurled into the sea. But because I lost a wager, I have to compose 95 Reasons why I love him, and nail them to my blog door. If you get that reference, you just might be a Lutheran! Anyway, here we go.

1. He smiles for the camera.
2. There isn't very much of him.
3. He has bitten me fewer than 20 times.
4. He has never actually severed an arm.
5. He hasn't severed a leg either.
6. He has bitten the children fewer than 20 times.
7. He has never tried to actually ingest the children, only their food.
8. He gives Porque Choppe someone to feel superior to.
9. He gives Porque Choppe someone to bite and malign.
10. He gives Porque Choppe exercise.
11. He's not a bigot.
12. He makes "The Dog Whisperer" especially relevant for us.
13. He makes my dog look good.
14. He eschews pants.
15. He is portable.
16. He's kind of goofy and funny-looking.
17. There's only one of him.
18. So far he has not burned down the house.
19. He has simple taste in dog food.
20. He has no intentions of running for president.
21. He doesn't carry a man bag.
22. He is pretty good at the groomers.
23. He has a cool name.
24. His poops are small.
25. He matches Ahno's sofa.
26. He hardly ever burps.
27. He really loves my husband.
28. He has not yet had any expensive medical problems.
29. He doesn't run off and get lost.
30. He likes to play with Leroy.
31. He runs maniacally through the house, and that's funny.
32. He doesn't demand to be given milk with his cookies.
33. He doesn't ask me to put shoes on Polly Pocket.
34. He doesn't play any instruments.
35. No one annoys us by wanting to make a fur coat out of him.
36. No one pesters us wanting to put him in the movies.
37. He isn't made out of glitter.
38. He isn't made out of okra.
39. He's never had aspirations of becoming a famous novelist.
40. He is not an agent of a hostile foreign country.
41. He doesn't encourage me to try okra, just try it.
42. He can't drive.
43. He hasn't got a blog.
44. He can't turn on the stove.
45. He can't use the telephone.
46. He doesn't mind having his fingernails painted for our entertainment.
47. He can't operate heavy machinery.
48. He can't talk.
49. He can't jump very high.
50. He's not one of those freakishly beautiful dogs.
51. He does have a sort of nutjob charm about him.
52. He doesn't try to hog the Playstation.
53. He doesn't fit into my skinny jeans.
54. He doesn't suggest movies that we could watch.
55. He doesn't judge me if I didn't brush my hair.
56. He and Leroy put on "The Dog Show" at the farm.
57. He tolerated my children playing with him on the leash all summer.
58. He tolerated being put into "the hole" resulting in this picture:

59. When he bit me all those times, I didn't actually die.
60. He taught me that being bit by a chihuahua is not all that big of a deal.
61. He keeps the carpet nicely clear of food bits.
62. He doesn't require batteries.
63. He has no android parts that need replacing at great expense.
64. Knitting him a dog sweater takes very little time.
65. Sadie likes him, and claims that he is hers.
66. He doesn't have any oozing pustules.
67. He can see clearly.
68. Nothing wrong with his legs.
69. His ears stick up perkily.
70. All his joints are in proper working order.
71. He can't fly.
72. He can't create recipes and demand to experiment in the kitchen.
73. He doesn't know kung-fu.
74. He doesn't have any TV preferences, happy to watch whatever.
75. Doesn't hog the remote.
76. He's not a poststructuralist, nor has he read the French feminists.
77. He doesn't keep big collections of knick-knacks.
78. His crate is pretty light.
79. There is no T-Bone-scented candle, inspired by him.
80. He has never killed anyone.
81. He doesn't absorb all light and matter, destroying the universe.
82. He doesn't leave wet rawhide rags lying around.
83. His head is on forwards, not backwards.
84. He is not explosive.
85. He doesn't cause pacemakers to malfunction.
86. He doesn't experiment with faux finishes and get halfway done and quit.
87. He doesn't leave droppings in the toilet without flushing.
88. He doesn't play practical jokes on people.
89. He hasn't ever bragged about an advanced degree.
90. He doesn't show off using chopsticks.
91. He doesn't buy into the whole Disney Princess craze.
92. He isn't stuffed with artichoke hearts.
93. He doesn't require special supplements.
94. He doesn't mock the drapery.
95. He gives Ahno something to do.

So there you have it. I hope I don't lose that particular bet again because I have nothing left to say.


  1. Anonymous1:19 PM

    This is so immensely creative that I'm struck all of a heap.

    And it's funny. I laughed until I almost threw up.

  2. I'm not Lutheran, but I got the reference! What a funny and creative post!

  3. mel (from the now defunct freak parade)3:42 PM

    This list is awesome. I was cracking up the whole time. #79? Hahahahaha! I can only imagine what goes on in your mind on a daily basis. :)

    No, that would hurt too much in my "condition", but I did laugh out loud the whole way through. =)

  5. I am not explosive, and I only bit you once. Do you love ME?

  6. I came to ask if your children would like to be in the Homeschooled Kids Carnival this month - but boy am I glad I didn't miss this post!! I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with our puppy - I am amazed you found so many (really funny) reasons to like yours!
    Thanks for making me laugh!

  7. Owning a chihuahua that looks very similar to T-Bone (only mine is black not brown, a girl instead of boy, and apparently isn't as well fed) I got a real kick out of this post! My kids BOUGHT me the dog and now find reaasons to be annoyed at how much I love her (and here's the probable cause of concern - therefore, possibly love them less - I don't of course, but I suspect that's what's going through their minds. Also, possible, competing with grandkids for my attention).
    You might like Rosie a bit more than T-Bone as she's only bitten two people. One was someone she didn't know that chased her under a table and tried to pull her out. And once it was an accident - she was asleep and thought the small person was a cat trying to walk on top of her.

  8. Oh my damn. That is the most creative and committed list I have ever seen. I am humbled.


  9. I am glad you only had to hammer them to your cyberspace door, because nail holes in actual doors are forever.

    That was stinkin' hilarious. You have way more brain cells than me, and I enjoyed your creative use of them!

  10. That was awesome!! You have a great sense of humour - and perspective ;)

  11. Fantastic! #81 is definately going to be remembered for the next time someone pushes me to include extra comments on an evaluation.

  12. I just blog-hopped via and then Faster than Kudzu. I couldn't stop laughing. #81 was my absolute favorite as well-- nearly brought up all my oatmeal.

  13. Okay, Rosie (our chihuahua) has only bitten two people (one not her fault), but really, Chihuahuas aren't bad dogs... they are just misunderstood, like Godzilla and vampires and pirahas... except that Chihuahuas don't crush cities, and don't suck blood (usually) and don't like the water... oh well...